I am a hetero-asexual.

Which explains a lot.

Mom, I love you. I always will. However, there’s somethings you need to learn from to keep your other kids from being like me. And I know how much I disappoint you.

All my life, it was boyfriend to boyfriend for you. All those nights I stayed at Nana’s house, was it because it’s “closer to school and easier” for you? Or was it really because you were having a guy over?

Do you even know that I know what happened with Ron? I mean, hell, I hardly know all the details, but it’s not hard to put together enough information to guess. I remember Mom, he was the greatest. I honestly thought he might be my new dad. I would’ve LOVED that. He was great. He let me sleepover, taught me how to spit cherry seeds, showed me how to play soccer, even kept and hung up all my pictures I drew him while in kindergarten. Sometimes I wonder if he still has a few and looks at them.

Anyways, I remember walking into your room one night because of a night terror I had, I remember seeing you and him. At the time, I didn’t know what you were doing - I was fucking 5 or 6 years old. Now I know what you were doing. Same thing you’ve always done. The ONLY reason, me, Alex, Claire, and Jasmine are (and were) here. And I can’t cope with the fact that this has brought us to where your relationship with me stands.

Growing up all I saw was you and men. I’m not trying to say you’re a whore or anything, I’m trying to understand where your need for love is coming from. I mean, I’ve been through so much shit with men, from watching them consistently come and go, as well as being abused by David for 8 years all because you were impregnated with his child and decided to marry him. And now I cannot function correctly with any form of relationship with a guy. I don’t understand why people want to be in love, or even seemingly need to be in love. It all seems like a bullshit lie to me. Something TV or Hallmark created to sell more shit.

Mom, sometimes I want to know if you realized what happened to me. I mean, every time something happens that’s your fault, like your marriage you informed me of the day before, you’re apologizing for “putting me through so much.” Do you even know what you mean by that? Are you fully aware of what has happened?

For one thing, annoying me. Ever since you’ve met Tracey, you’ve changed FOR HIM. For him and his fucking kids. You act in front of everyone. I can’t take it. You’re lying to me more, covering for him more. Does it mean nothing that we’re blood related and you’re only bound to him by some ring? A ring that can come off. I mean, let’s not forget that this man lied to his ex-wife about where he was when he was with you. I mean, technically, from her stand point, you tore apart their marriage. Word it however you want, twist the story to make you a better person, but that’s what it says, textbook written. And then he left you. HE FUCKING LEFT YOU. He left you a fucking mess for me to take care of. Then all of the sudden, shows up with a new car as an apology. Mom, you told me he cheated on you with his ex-wife! Cheated. I mean, am I so fucked up that I don’t accept a cheater back, but it’s actually a natural thing to do? I would have put his ass on the fucking curb. But it seems that you’re selling yourself short of what you deserve. And I don’t want to see you do that, Mom. Do all girls not understand that they deserve the best? I don’t get it. Ever since he showed up, you want more things, you’re into cars now? Since fucking when? Since when is it okay for us to eat out a lot at nice restaurants? Since when is it normal for us to eat at the table? When he’s working an extra shift, it’s a “fix your own meal” night, or even just something out of a box. When he’s home? Gourmet, five course meals. WHY. FUCKING TELL ME WHY. His son is over and all of the sudden I HAVE to be at dinner. Why? His son doesn’t even fucking care about our family. He fucking manipulates his dad into doing whatever he wants, he’s a spoiled brat, and he’s just waiting for me to get kicked out to have my room. So why is it to important that I be there to smile and pretend that we’re a happy family?

Another thing? Mom, do you realize I don’t function properly? I don’t let guys push me around. Sure that’s good, but not when it’s at the extremes that it’s at for me. I don’t let guy friends push me around. I don’t let parents push me around. People now call it an attitude problem. I also don’t trust. Mom, I can’t have a relationship because I am so scared of getting hurt, physically and emotionally. It sucks. I know I come off as strong and independent, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish sometimes that I was cared for. After awhile, being lonely gets to you. And you keep thinking I’m consistently having sex? Yeah, I’m not. I hate my body. I can’t have sex because I always think that they’ll leave me or make severe fun of my fat. Eating disorders are often prominent in abused children…thanks. I honestly cannot even like someone because I automatically think, “I’m not good enough for them.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking better than almost everyone. But if I like them, then I start to tear myself down. Because all I’ve ever seen is people leaving. I don’t want that.

Also, I can’t have a family now. Why? Because I don’t want my daughter crying every night because her mom called her a disappoint 20 times in a row. Because I don’t want to watch the one guy I finally decided to trust to get up one day and walk out. I purposely chose Haiti and Peace Corp because they’re traveling jobs. Because no one will be with someone who travels. Everything I do, it’s to push people away, because I can’t become you.

Mom, you cannot go around lying to your children. I fucking looked up to you for the longest time. Can I now? Hardly because you lie. You lie and you bully. Those aren’t things to be proud of. I’m sorry Mom, I love you, I do, but I’m tired of you being the one who hurts me when you’re suppose to be saving me.

Close your eyes.

Picture a family.

What do you see?

A smiling mother? A father pushing his daughter on a swing in the backyard? Smiles and laughs all around?

That’s really good!

What do I picture?

A mother with her new beau, somewhere in the house. The kids in the room. No contact made. No need to be together.

I’ve learned, the hard way too, that you really have only yourself to account for. At least in my family that’s how it is. No one is here for you. My stepdad lies to me, then lies to my mom to keep being friends with both of us. Then mom consistently lies to me and twists her words. And what can I do? Sit there and take it. No one will pick you up. No one will help guide you through the dark. You’re alone in a family. Your parents only pay attention to you when you do something that makes them look good. But do something that makes them look bad? And suddenly it’s as if you’re disowned.

Moral of the story?

Don’t count on anyone but yourself. Because everyone is there for some form of award.

You will never understand what it feels like to lose someone with no closure.

To realize you never even got the chance to know them.

To find out that they are never waking up.

To have to pull together scraps of the memories you have with them.

You will never understand the fight against the urge to stay in bed.

To never come out.

To stay in the dark.

Nothing changes in the dark.

And I can no longer explain the immensity of hate I have for her.

She’s stupid and ugly.

She makes so many mistakes.

She’s childish and a slut.

She won’t leave me alone.

She is always there.

 Every time I look in the mirror.

You asked me why I love you and here it is:

I love you because you love me. Because you’re still there for me. Because no matter what you are you. I love you because you make me laugh and cry. I love you because we can go without talking for a long time and when we start talking, it’s like nothing changed. We’re still as close. I love you because I trust you a lot. I can hear you say you want to get with my sister or Amber and I know in my heart, you’re messing around and really want me. I love you because I don’t know if you love me or why you love me. Because you put up with me through shit and because if I Skype with you feeling like shit, you bring me up. As well, because when we’re Skyping and you get sleepy you are so cute. Because you have a rude mouth, but kind eyes. You look at me and actually see me. Because I at the end of the night, it’s you I want to be in bed with. Because it’s you I want to kiss. Because I can see myself with you in the future. I love you because you’re a player and no matter what I feel like, you’re still mine. Because we haven’t built a relationship on a physical level, more an emotional level. Because without getting anything sexual from me, you still love me. And sure, sometimes I assume I’m just a game to you. some level you can’t beat. Someone playing poker that you can’t win against, yet somehow, (maybe it’s just make believe) I feel in my heart, that what started out as me being part of your game, I turned into someone you love. I love you because you don’t push me into hooking up with you. Because you trust me. I love you because you’re honest and you don’t automatically give me my way. I also love you because you know all my flaws and all my scars and still have the same caring look in your eyes.

You kissed me.

Told me you liked me.

Gave me your number.

Told me to call.

It’s been two weeks, your number is still on a piece of paper in my jeans, and I have yet to call you.

Not because I don’t like you, but because you’re probably lying about liking me and really just want my body.

Uh. Ok. You need to talk to me then.
Because I haven’t heard from you in like a monthhh.